If you’ve ever had the esteemed pleasure of meeting me in person a few first impressions may be; ‘weird’, ‘awkward’, ‘shy’ and if you’ve caught me on a good day ‘overly uses sarcasm’. Now don’t get me wrong I’ll be the first person to admit that these are all acutely accurate observations but for those few (and I’m talking a handful here) of people who get past those initial truths, who I let in and allow to see the me past the socially inept kid with the band shirts then you’ll know that I do actually have a lot to say. I may have a lot to say, a lot of thoughts, a lot of views but I’m not always comfortable with vocally sharing them. Stand me in front of a stranger and ask me to string together a useful sentence and I’ll struggle. Stand me in front of a friend and I’ll do better but I can guarantee you 99% of the time what comes out of my mouth doesn’t even scratch the surface of the ramblings going on in my head. Stand me in front of the people I’m most comfortable with and then yes, if you’re lucky, I might have something decent to offer you. But sit me in front of a computer screen or with a phone in my hand and engage me in the same conversation and you’ll get the real me. Most of my closest friends will have bared witness to this side of me, set me off on a topic that I’m passionate about/interested in/feel strongly about while we’re texting/messaging and I’ll give you paragraph on paragraph of worthy conversation. Why I find it easier to express my thought through this medium who knows? Maybe not having to be face to face with a person lessens my willingness to be introverted or maybe I just find it easier to filter my thoughts when I’m alone. Whatever the reason I find this format of expression to be my most effective.
In the past 12 months, I have been met with an unexpected gap year, so unlike those who choose to take one of these things, I found myself with no real plans. I had no job, no commitments, no need to get out of bed in the morning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fall into a pretty crap state of mind for a few months. But I eventually got off my ass and found a use of my time. I walked my dogs more, I took over house work that my mums always complaining about, I ran errands and I even tried to spend more time with my nan. I became a neat freak. I’ve painted fences, bookshelves, and walls. I’ve deep cleaned bathrooms, bedrooms, and cars. I’ve tried just about everything to keep myself occupied this year. My main grievance of this process has been ‘we are only hiring those with experience’, to which I say how is one supposed to get freakin’ experience if no one will give her a freakin’ job. Luckily, I’ve had more success on the job front in the last few months and have landed myself a lovely puppy sitting spot that has me doting on a little ball of fluff 5 days a week. But even with this I still have a heck of a lot of downtime.
See the thing about having a gap year while all your friends are at uni is you find yourself isolated in a way you’ve never felt before. While they’re out there having new experiences, meeting new people, making new friends, learning new things and, from what one can assume from the three hour snapchat story of the inside of club every night, are having the time of their lives. But here you are still stuck at home, same boring town, same boring people, same boring four walls. In search of complete honesty here at times I’ve selfishly thought to myself ‘oh so they’ve just forgotten about me now?’ or ‘hey friend what about me?!’. Yet what I’ve found is this year has been perfect for showing just who my true friends are. The friends that have stayed in touch and that when they do come home try to see me and make plans. Even if it’s a quick fleeting text exchange every other week, or a tag in something between us on Facebook, I know that that connection is still there and that our friendship is not lost. I’ve just had to come to terms with the reality that hey Jess people are a lot busier than you are so cut them some slack.
So with the free time and lack of friends to converse and blurt my thoughts to I’ve wrote a lot (I say wrote but mainly typed as my handwriting resembles that of a toddler at times). There has been no theme to my writing really. My thoughts on TV shows, music, books, topics of interest even my favourite celebrities. Anything that I’ve found myself passionate about really, as those of you that know me will already know I can turn into a fan girl in an instant. I’d say they were reviews but there’s little structure and format in that sense. I tend to stray off topic too so no two pieces are similar stylistically either. And because I’ve just been writing with no real purpose a lot of the prose that I post will not be in keeping with current events, they’ll be dated back to things that could have been relevant to months ago. That is if I ever have the guts to post this and the rest at all.
If I have manged to summon up the courage to share this with you and you are indeed reading this then I hope this has served as a helpful introduction and insight into why and where these pieces have come from and a snippet into the inner workings of my mind. Until next time……
Xo xo Gossip girl
….sorry ive been watching re runs a lot recently I’ll be serious this time. Thanks for reading, hope to see you again soon, although I won’t literally see you reading because that’d be weird and uncomfortable. Anyway until then …..JLD xx